Iron Heat

My apologies for how poorly this blog has been kept. Not much of a cooker these days, and what I do prepare isn't worth sharing. (Trust me.)

Well, here's a special update. A secret blog entry -- since it feels inappropriate for my other blogs and this blog probably gets zero traffic at this point.

I recently watched the special Iron Chef showdown,

Rachel Ray vs Giada De Laurentiis!

I've gone the extra mile and uploaded screencaps: an exceptionally cumbersome thing I rarely trouble with.

I won't be giving a beat-by-beat recap. That'd be better served by someone else's blog. I won't even be dwelling much on the actual food aspects, or the final scorecard:
I found the idea more interesting than the actual produced show.

Some people would ask, why would they do this? Pit two of their most popular "food stars" against each other?

I ask, what took them so long?

I think one of the fascinating things about "food tv" is that a person can have a food show, or multiple food shows, yet have questionable culinary credentials. RR's got some restaurant experience, but not as a chef. G-Delly's been to pastry school, I think. Neither has been the chef of a restaurant, which seems to be a prerequisite for Iron Chef challengers. That said, the beloved Paula Deen and the distasteful Emeril have been curiously absent from Iron Chef. I reckon some of the TV personalities are probably a bit chickenshit. Which is why my respect for both RR and G-Del has suffered a boost.

Iron Chef America does a good job of casting its Food-TV personalities...
Alton Brown is the perfect man for color commentary, able to fill time with secret-ingredient fun facts from his encyclopedic food-geek knowledge.
Kevin Brauch used to have a show called "The Thirsty Traveler", which was basically a globe-spanning bar crawl. He's got an easy rapport with Alton and it's nice to see him working. Some Food-TV Stars are challengers, some are just reliable support staff. Again, respect for RR and GDL throwing caution to the wind and agreeing to the challenge.

Of course, at the top of the show, both ladies are let off the hook by news that they'll be "assisted" by the Iron Chefs who trained them...

The relieved G-Del linked with

BOBBY FLAY!!!

The irrepressible RR linked with

MARIO BATALI!!!
Yes, it's a total cheat. RR and GDL are reduced to being assistants.

Non-sequitur shout out to the lovely Cat Cora. Who wasn't used, but I uploaded her picture anyway because I'm an admirer of her steely, reserved beauty.

Hey, the competition out the window, let's focus on the superficial things...
Battle Cranberry gives us the opportunity to compare
The aerobicized Princess Giada, and
The plucky ex-cheerleader Rachel...

First time I saw Giada, I thought "Natalie Portman". I thought, "This person is way too pretty to be a cooker." I grew up watching Julia Child and The Frugal Gourmet. When Giada filled a pot of boiling water with pasta on her show, it was shot as if it were a sex scene.

By contrast, Rachel always came across as unstoppably perky. Pretty, but not the kind of pretty that makes you do a double-take (like Giada). The kind of pretty that grows on you.

But as long as we're talking pretty, stop the press...
Jill Bernstein. Senior Editor of Entertainment Weekly.
I ended up uploading an inordinate number of screencaps of this judge...
Yes, I understand why they'd load the panel with "easy" judges, but why would they pick a judge that's prettier than both of their stars...?
Jill Bernstein. Prettiest girl in the classroom.
Jill Bernstein. The radiant girl you had a crush on in 9th grade and never said anything to.
Jill Bernstein. [Something to describe Jill Bernstein.]
I bet she's got a really attractive fiancé...

Yes. I'm very lonely and have entirely too much time to think about it.

Aside from dreaming about which pretty girl I'd most like to go out with in my fantasy world, the actual show was pretty dull. Giada and Bobby were slightly more crazed. Rachel and Mario didn't break a sweat.

In a bold move, Mario prepared drinks for the judges.
Alton tried to get Flay to comment on the move but
Flay couldn't be bothered to say something witty. He seemed fairly humorless throughout. Just like he is on his "Throwdown" show. He's got a competitive streak that doesn't let up, even when he's supposed to be playing second fiddle to the Italian Princess. Ain't no "friendly competition" in him.

My interest reignited during the final judging...

While the judges were about the gentlest judges I've ever seen on the show...
(I love you, Jill...)
When Giada/Bobby (Giadobby) unveiled their ravioli with crumbled biscotti...
The clean-shaven judge dared to comment -- ever so apologetically -- that it wasn't entirely his cup of tea.
Resulting in a notably unhappy GDL. Yes, there was an element of mugging for the cameras, but she seemed genuinely hurt. Clearly not accustomed to ANYONE disliking her cooking and telling her about it. And this judge was not mean in offering her criticism. He seemed extremely reluctant to have to say it, in fact.

Make no mistake, this is where the show started getting hot.

I was never a big fan of Rachel Ray. I never quite made it to the "Rachel Ray Sucks" level, but I also wasn't inclined to keep the channel set whenever "30-Minute Meals" or "$40 a Day" came on.
But something happens when she relaxes that black-hole smile of hers. And don't get me wrong, it's an adorable black-hole of a smile. But watching her at her final judging on this show... trying to maintain a modest smile while gentle criticisms floated toward her... the forced smile she flashes up at Mario...
Or this shot. As several judges tell her that her pasta is slightly undercooked. If you watch the video, it almost looks like her heart is breaking. To suffer such an unimaginable insult. And to have to take it without cracking. Her sexy smoker's voice uncharacteristically low -- humble -- as she mumbles, "Gotta cook it a little longer, hyeh..."
I'm sure she's not as perky in person as she is as a television persona. (How could anyone be? They'd die from the toxicity.) But watching the enthusiasm drain from her visage made me realize how gorgeous she can be. Maybe not as gorgeous as a Jill Bernstein... but a warmer, girl-next-door gorgeous.
Watching her try to force the pluckiness made it even more endearing. You could start to see the war beneath the teeth. This woman is TRYING.
In the end, the losers seemed genuinely bitter/hurt. As friendly as the match was supposed to be, you could see the loss meant something. Check out the murder in Bobby's face. The humility as Giada's lips disappear.
Mario just waltzed through the whole show and doesn't seem the least bit surprised at the outcome. Rachel looks like she's just gotten the Malibu Barbie Dream House for Christmas.

But was this ever about food?

I say, Rachel Ray wins this one, hands down. For winning my heart. Arguably the most over-exposed of the lot, she managed to come across as disarmingly human and girlfriendable.

The runner-up is Jill Bernstein. Points lost for being a bit too pretty and thus not quite girlfriendable.

Third place, sadly, Giada De Laurentiis. Points off for covergirl looks and a Hollywood bloodline. The show didn't humanize her for me. Which is probably why I uploaded so few stills of her.

Whoa. This was a lot of work just to illustrate how lonely my life is. A long way to go for such a sad and obvious point!

Merry Chrimbo!

Tapenade Bread

DESCRIPTION
Alton Brown. I like his show. It's like Mr. Wizard, but a whole lot cornier and focused on food.

However, he seems much more interested in the science of cooking than... really good eats. He uses way too many tools to cook, and he seems to overcomplicate the simplest recipes.

That said, I tried this recipe because I had some tapenade I wanted to use up. Couldn't find the recipe on the Food TV site, but I eventually managed to find a transcript of the episode and I present it here broken down simple. In the actual episode, he doesn't even cut into the bread afterwards, or relate what it tastes like. (Asshole.) I can tell you, it ends up being like a slightly savory cornbread type bread. I might augment this, make it sweeter or savoryer or something... in any case, git some.

INGREDIENTS
3 tsp. Baking Powder
3 1/2 C. Flour
1/3 C. tapenade
1 1/4 tsp. Salt
1/2 Cup Olive Oil
1 Cup Skim Milk
2 Eggs, Beaten
2 Tbs. Honey
Handful of roughly chopped olives

DIRECTIONS
Whiz up the Flour and Baking Powder in a food processor. Dump in the tapenade and whiz that till you can't see it no more.

Dump the Salt, Olive Oil, Milk, Eggs and Honey into a large bowl. Whisk up till it's thoroughly emulsified. (Honey'll clump up in the cold, so just keep whiskin.) Stir in the olives.

Pour the dry ingredients in. Use a spatula to mix until JUST incorporated. DO NOT OVERMIX. It's okay if there are dry bits, just go with it.

Pour into a greased loaf pan and bake @ 375 degrees F. Check it at about 45 minutes. Knife test it. It may have to be in there for as long as an hour and twenty minutes, but 45 minutes was good for mine.

Let cool about half an hour before cutting in. Or fuck Alton and just dig the fuck in. Who gives two craps?!

Interlude: Empty Cupboard

In my refrigerator right now:

Jar of low-sugar marmalade
A near empty jar of pricey Sarabeth jam
Two containers of minced garlic (??)
An old stick of butter
BRITTA water

Relax -- I'm not gonna attempt to make something out of that. I should buy some groceries, but I kind of can't be bothered. My heart's not into cooking. Maybe I'll change my mind later today or later this week. I need to eat this week. Human beings need to eat. That's part of the deal. But then again, what's the point of any of it...?

Poor Malice Casserole

DESCRIPTION

When I started this blog, I was pigeon-holed as a pizza recipe man. Now, I'm in danger of becoming Mr. Bread Pudding. In an effort to downplay it, I'm simply referring to this as a "casserole", because that's what it essentially is.

The bottom line is, no matter what the grocery bill is, these dishes make A LOT of portions and will feed you for a fucking WHILE. And it's the kind of dish that tastes better the day after. (And the day after, etc.) And I've been so awfully broke as of late...

Consider this one as the template recipe. All my recipes are modifications on recipes that I find; here, I encourage you to experiment.

INGREDIENTS

"The Essentials"
olive oil
2 packages of frozen, chopped spinach, well-drained
1 lb of mushrooms (any kind), chopped
2 yellow onions, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, chopped
3 cups fake eggs (or equivalent of 6 eggs)
1 quart milk

1-2 huge loaves of good crusty bread (whole wheat/grain), torn up

"The Optionals"
salt
black pepper
1 cup parmesan
any seasonings you like
shredded cheeses are good; whatever you like
vegetables you like (chopped broccoli?)
meats or fake meats, chopped
instead of 1 loaf of bread, you could combine a bunch of different bits of old bread

DIRECTIONS

In a large pan, over a low heat, sauté chopped onions in a bit of olive oil until nicely carmelized. Add garlic, mushrooms, drained/thawed spinach and any seasonings. Add meat/fake meat any veggies. Remove from heat and set aside.

In a very large bowl, combine eggs, milk. Whisk well.

Add your slightly-cooled sauté mixture, stirring. Start added your torn pieces of bread, folding them in as you go. Eventually, you'll need to use your hands to really get in there.

Add all your cheeses. Incorporate well, with your hands.

Depending on how much stuff you've got in there, you may need to let it soak up a bit. It oughtn't be too soupy. If it is and you don't think it'll all get soaked up by the bread, you might want to add some more bread. If your bread's particularly dry/crusty, you may want to let it soak a little longer.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F, and grease a large baking dish (or several) with olive oil. Scoop your bread pudding concoction evenly to the pans. Sprinkle with any remaining cheese, drizzle with a little olive oil. Bake until firm in the center and golden brown -- "about 1 hour". Serve warm.

To reheat: heat up a pan and add a little olive oil. Scoop a portion of the casserole into the pan and sauté, breaking it up with your spatula. Let it brown a bit. Scoop onto a plate and go bonkers.

OK, since this pretty much covers anything you can do with this recipe, I shall retire my "casserole" line unless I come up with something that changes the rules.

My Russian Super Started a Fire in My Building: The Bread Pudding II

DESCRIPTION

See the previous entry for the explanation of why I've been getting free Russian black bread... My Russian super gave me another loaf while I was doing laundry Friday morning, so I figured I'd try out another recipe.

This one's a savory spinach and artichoke bread pudding.

I'm actually in the middle of making this right now so I can't rightly vouch for it and I may make some edits to this later. But I figured I'd type this up before I get too lazy to.

This one's a LOT more work. A LOT more ingredients. My goal was to SAVE money by living off this free bread, but the cost of ingredients racks up. Fortunately, I ought to be making enough to last me a pretty long stretch, so hopefully it balances out...

I adapted the recipe again.

INGREDIENTS

olive oil
2 packages of frozen, chopped spinach
2 yellow onions, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, chopped
italian seasoning
salt
black pepper
3 (8 1/2 oz) cans of quartered artichoke hearts, drained
3 cups fake eggs (equivalent of 6 eggs)
2 cups fat free half-and-half (1 pint)
3 cups low-fat milk
2 tbls fresh lemon juice
RUSSIAN BLACK BREAD!!! (or crusty French bread), one loaf cubed
1 lb brie, rind removed, cut into little cubes
1/2 cup parmesan

DIRECTIONS

Nuke the frozen spinach. Break it up. Squeeze as much water from it as you can. (Use your clean hands.) Set aside.

In a large pan, sauté chopped onions in a bit of olive oil until nicely carmelized. (Took me about 10 minutes.) Add garlic, 2 tsp italian seasoning, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp pepper; stir until garlic is "fragrant", about 30 seconds. Add artichoke hearts and stir well for another 2 minutes or so. Remove from heat and set aside.

In a very large bowl, combine egg substitute, half-and-half, milk, lemon juice, 1 tbl italian seasoning, 2 tsp salt, 1 tsp pepper. Whisk well.

This is where it pays to have a very large bowl...

Add the artichoke mixture, the chopped spinach and the cubed bread into the bowl, along with 1/4 cup parmesan and the pieces of brie. (I had to alternate between a big bowl and a large pasta pot.) Incorporate well.

Cover with plastic wrap. Pop in fridge to let it soak through.

Wash the dishes. Watch what you got from Netflix yesterday. Update your blog. Contemplate the kind of life you're leading and what kind of world your unborn children will inherit.

When you're ready to rock, preheat your oven to 350 degrees F, and grease a large baking dish (or several) with olive oil. Scoop your bread pudding concoction evenly to the pans, sprinkle with remaining parmesan and drizzle with a little olive oil. Bake until firm in the center and golden brown -- "about 1 hour". Serve warm.

Well, this one's a doozy. Took forever for me just to cut up the tough bread. And I didn't actually think to use frozen chopped spinach, so I had to do all that manually. And I'm not even sure my "adaptation" works yet, so reader beware. But nobody really tries to make the recipes off this blog, do they...?

My Russian Super Started a Fire in My Building: The Bread Pudding I

DESCRIPTION

There's a story here, so have a seat. My Russian super started a fire in my building a few weeks ago. Of course, it's not the official cause, but I'm pretty certain. He's the only person who walks around my building with a lit cigarette.

Anyway, the fire started in the hallway leading to my apartment. It was confined to the hallway, thanks to the heroes of the local NYFD, but I suspect out of guilt the guy has been giving me free Russian black bread since it happened. He's got friends at a Russian bakery and he gets tons of the shit.

This stuff is big, crusty and dense. I've been rather poor lately so I figured I'd try to live off the stuff, but it's tough to swallow, so I looked up a savory bread pudding recipe.

This uses wild mushrooms. I adapted it slightly to make it a little less decadent than the original recipe. I've got to think of my health, right?

INGREDIENTS

butter
3 yellow onions, chopped
2 tsp salt
cayenne pepper
ground black pepper
1/2 pound (about 3 cups) of wild mushrooms (whatever you can find), chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
5 eggs (or the equivalent of fake eggs)
2 cups fat-free half-and-half (1 pint)
1/4 tsp tabasco sauce
1 tsp worcestershire sauce
RUSSIAN BLACK BREAD!!!, cubed, about 4 cups
1/2 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano cheese

DIRECTIONS>

In a large pan, melt about 2 tblspoons of butter. Add chopped onions, 1 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper, and about "12 turns" of black pepper. Sauté for about 4 minutes.

Add chopped mushrooms to the pan, sauté for about 3 minutes. Add garlic and sauté for another minute or so. Remove from heat and cool.

In a very large bowl, whisk the eggs. Add half-and-half, 1 tsp salt, a few shakes of cayenne pepper, tabasco, worcestershire. Whisk until fully incorporated.

Stir in the cooled mushroom mixture. Add bread cubes and incorporate well.

I had a LOT of bread cubes and ended up having to mix it using TWO big bowls, to get everything evenly distributed. After I'd mixed it, I packed the whole thing into one of the bowls, covered with plastic wrap and popped it into the refrigerator overnight so it could all thoroughly soak through. I recommend letting it sit like this.

When you're ready to cook, preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Butter a really large casserole dish or two medium casserole dishes. Scoop your mixture evenly into your dish(es), sprinkle generously with grated cheese. Bake for 55 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to rest for at least 5 minutes before serving.

I made enough to feed me for a fucking while. It's essentially stuffing. You could heat it up by sautéing in a pan with a little olive oil. The stuff lasts a long time and is one of those things that seems to get better as it goes. (But when you're starving, anything tastes like prime rib...)

That Manno Clam Dip

DESCRIPTION

This one's courtesy of Dr. Helene Manno. It's one of the unique pleasures I enjoy anytime I'm invited over to the Manno Compound. It's brilliant on crackers, chips or just scooped high on a plate. When I die, I'd like to be buried in this.

INGREDIENTS

1 clove garlic, chopped
1/3 cup olive oil
1/3 cup butter

2 cans minced clams ("tuna fish size cans")
1/2 cup parmesan cheese
breadcrumbs

DIRECTIONS

Sauté garlic in olive oil and butter.

Scoop into a big bowl. Add clams, parmesan, and enough breadcrumbs to give the mixture a thick consistency.

This is one of the few recipes on here that I haven't actually tried making on my own. I actually fear my access to this recipe. I'm liable to make enough of it to kill myself several times over. Moderation? What's that?

Avast Ye Patties

DESCRIPTION

Been a long time, I know. J-Goose & Merillon had a screening of Pirates of the Caribbean last night, and I whipped up some vegetarian Caribbean Meatless Patties for the occasion. It was just a first attempt, but I think I've got it down now.

I used to love meat patties as a kid. Here, I've modified a traditional meat patty recipe to render it vegetarian.

INGREDIENTS

(Pastry Crust)
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons curry powder
1 dash salt
1/4 cup margarine
1/4 cup shortening
1/3 cup water

(Filling)
2 tablespoons margarine
about 1/2 pound vegetarian meatballs*, ground up
1 small onion, finely diced
1 teaspoon curry powder
1 teaspoon dried thyme
salt & pepper to taste
3/4 cup vegetarian broth
1 cup dry bread crumbs

1 egg, beaten

[* All I could find were vegetarian meatballs, but they do make other kinds of vegetarian "meat", including "vegetarian ground beef". Use what you find, being mindful of the flavors.]

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C).

In a large bowl, combine flour, 1 1/2 teaspoons curry powder, and pinch of salt. Cut in 1/4 cup margarine and shortening until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in water until mixture forms a ball. Shape dough into a log, and cut into 10 equal sections. Roll each section into a six inch circle (approximately 1/8 inch thick). Set aside. [To make appetizer version, cut into 20 pieces and make 3-inch circles... duh.]

The filling should be thought of as "stuffing", because that's what it is. Whiz up some old bread to render the breadcrumbs, because buying breadcrumbs is sad. The measurements for the filling are approximate. Use more veggie broth, use more breadcrumbs, it all depends on what you've got on hand.

Melt margarine in a skillet over medium heat. Saute onion until soft and translucent. Stir in the veggie ground meat. Season with 1 teaspoon curry powder, thyme, salt and pepper to taste. The veggie meat may be pre-cooked, but just stir until a bit more brown and everything's incorporated. Taste to make sure the seasoning works; if it's a little strong, don't worry because the bread crumbs and broth are going to cut it. Stir in the veggie broth and bread crumbs. Simmer until liquid is absorbed. Remove from heat.

Spoon equal amounts of filling into each pastry circle. Fold over and press edges together, making a half circle. Use a fork to press edges, and brush the top of each patty with beaten egg.

Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until golden brown.

As with all recipes, especially the ones on this blog, results may vary. It's important to experiment. Make it your own. You can do a lot of different things with the filling. Tofu and cheese. Apples and razor blades. Let your mind go nuts!