Cookie Monster's Cookies

hi hi puffy ami yumi. does anybody still check this "blog"?

anyway, when i was a kid i remember this cookie monster recipe from sesame street magazine.

here is a clearer breakdown of the recipe.

that's all you get for the holidays, i'm afraid. that and a stupid transit strike. maybe a recipe for suicide in a few days. ha ha.

the saddest pasta in the world

DESCRIPTION

sad, sad, sad.

INGREDIENTS

some uncooked ziti/rigatoni
water
salt
olive oil
grated parmesan
(garlic?)

DIRECTIONS

put water in your pot, salt it and bring it to a rolling boil on the stovetop.

drop in your rigatoni or ziti and let it cook for however long it takes. (read the package, damn it.) drain it. don't rinse it, for christ's sake. that's stupid.

heat up a pan. put some olive oil in it. if you've got some garlic, put some finely minced garlic in there, spread it around. drop in your cooked pasta, sautee. sprinkle generously with grated parmesan. if you like, toss and cook until some of the pasta is a little browned at parts. taste it to make sure it's good. if it's not, rummage through your spice rack to see if anything can fix it.

if nothing fixes it, remove from heat and let it cool before scraping it into the garbage.

now, go to bed hungry, you loser. and buy some fucking groceries tomorrow.

tequila ice queen

DESCRIPTION

this is a dead easy one. makes a terrific breakfast.

INGREDIENTS

some good tequila
a few ice cubes
a glass

DIRECTIONS

pour yourself a big glass of tequila with a few ice cubes in it.

start sipping. go out for some drinks. when you get back, all the ice should be melted.

now you're probably too drunk to finish that tequila right now. so put that glass in the freezer. pass out on the couch.

in the morning, open up that freezer. the water from the ice cubes should now be a slushy forest of ice flakes in the middle of a sea of alcohol. yum! good morning, oblivion! say goodbye to the day!

chicken rollo tomasi

DESCRIPTION

Boca makes a line of meatless "chik'n" that's actually quite tasty. use whichever you like. i'm using the nuggets coz it's easiest, but you can use the patties if you've got 'em.

this is another no-brainer in the "pizza" line of recipes. basically, anything that would be good in a sandwich will probably be good in a pizza situation.

INGREDIENTS

basic pizza dough
corn meal
1 package BOCA meatless Chik'n nuggets
1 package shredded cheese
some tomato sauce
cherry tomatoes
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)

DIRECTIONS

bake those Boca nuggets first. set them aside.

adjust the oven to about 450 degrees F.

sprinkle cornmeal on big cutting board. grab about half the dough and roll it between your hands to form a thick rope. put it down in the cornmeal and start rolling it flat and wider. you want it wide enough so that you put a nugget in there and fold the sides of the dough up and over it.

sprinkle a base of cheese on the dough, down the center. start laying your nuggets down the center in a nice line, end to end.

i prefer to tear apart the cherry tomatoes so that you don't get a burst of hot juice in your mouth when you bite into them. lay the torn tomatoes over and about the line of nuggets.

sprinkle more cheese over all of that. drizzle some e.v.o.o. over that. spoon some tomato sauce over that. fold the side of the dough over everything so that you've got what looks like a long, fat rope of dough. drizzle some e.v.o.o. on the top and spread it around with your fingers.

cornmeal a big pan. carefully lay your long chik'n roll on top of the pan, such that it doesn't tear too much.

pop it into your hot oven for about 10 minutes.

let it cool and settle for a few minutes after you take it out. this is a little more important than it is for a regular pizza recipe, because it's got a filling.

cut it into pieces with a serrated knife (bread knives work well).

i really have a miserable life.

O.G. smoothie

DESCRIPTION

this one's quite good and quite easy. and you can feel GOOD about consuming it; which is more than you can say about most of the recipes you'll find here...

INGREDIENTS

frozen grapes surprise
orange juice
ice

DIRECTIONS

get out those frozen grapes. i don't care if they've been in that freezer for 6 months (like mine were). get them the fuck out.

chuck a good handful into a big glass. pour some orange juice on top. put some ice in there. (don't fill it up too much.)

now dump the entirety of that glass into a good blender, cover the top and start pulsing that shit. get it all nice and frothy.

mmm! taste good, don't it?

unholy meatloaf

DESCRIPTION

this is a bit of a combination between a meatloaf and a shepherd's pie. the measurements are not exact as i kind of improvised.

the package of potatoes au gratin i used had been sitting in the cupboard for approximately 20 years. it was still okay. it required milk and butter, but you'd have to follow your own package directions.

for a vegetarian version, there are a lot of vegetarian ground meats available; though if you're a vegetarian, you probably aren't a big fan of "meat loaf". (the man or the food item.)

this was a good solution for using up the potatoes au gratin and some old bread that i turned into breadcrumbs with the food processor.

i'm not a big meatloaf afficionado, but i'm pretty sure you can add all sorts of odd things into the mix. it's a classic "throw in all the leftovers" kind of dish. the use of breadcrumbs is a classic stretching mechanism.

INGREDIENTS

package of potatoes au gratin, cooked, leftover
about half a pound to a pound of ground meat (turkey/beef/whatever)
1 egg
2 cups bread crumbs
1/4 cup tomato sauce
2 tbls. hot sauce
1 tbl. salt
1 tbl. ground pepper
some ground sage
some ground rosemary
1 cup shredded parmesan (leave some for topping)
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)

DIRECTIONS

preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

simply dump everything (except the potatoes au gratin and the e.v.o.o.) into a big bowl and squish it all together with your (clean) hands.

grease a mold pan with e.v.o.o. spread meat mix into the pan. press it in nicely. cover with the leftover potatoes au gratin. sprinkle with any shredded parmesan you've got left.

pop into the oven for about 45 minutes.

you've just made yourself a fuckload of meatloaf, bub.

do you know the "muffin man"...?

sweet corn shumai pizza

DESCRIPTION

ok, i know some of these are pretty strange, but i'm just using shit that's been in deep freeze for a while. i had this "sweet corn shumai" in the freezer for an ungodly length of time. looks like it was purchased in some japanese mart. pretty good on its own, but we're all about stretching things here...

the idea is that the sweet corn marries with the mozzarella to imply a kind of cornbread dish. i suppose a person could substitute some canned/creamed sweet corn, but i'd have to test that out to confirm its viability.

i know this one's genuinely strange; perhaps even stranger than the edamame pizza... but it's even easier to make and it's surprisingly good. the vinegar in the salsa gives it a nice tart flavor (of course, hopefully you're using a salsa you like). the taste of corn is light and not nearly as "weird" as you'd expect. it's a crispy, cheesy, corny, tex-mex-japanese wonderland! what the fuck are you waiting for?

INGREDIENTS

Basic Pizza Dough
corn meal
1 package sweet corn shumai (about 15 pieces)
1 package shredded mozzarella
salsa
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)

DIRECTIONS

preheat oven, 500 degrees F.

heat up the shumai according to the package. (i assume there aren't that many brands of frozen sweet corn shumai out there; mine was about 4 minutes in the microwave.) set aside to cool down.

start that dough. 2 halves. cornmeal on the cutting board. roll out the first half nice and thin to accomodate the pan you're using. the cornmeal gives it an extra crunch and connects it with the whole "cornbread" idea here.

when the shumai is room temperature, toss it into your food processor with the entire package of mozzarella. give it a few pulses till everything's incorporated. should end up with a clumpy mix. (if the shumai's too hot, it'll melt your cheese into goop before you can put it on the pizza...) remember, this here's about stretching ingredients so they feed more/longer.

lay rolled-out dough in cornmeal-sprinkled pan. pour a little e.v.o.o. atop the dough. sprinkle half the corn/mozzarella mix on the dough. (laying down the cheese first makes it stick to the pizza; you avoid the "sliding cheese" syndrome of a lot of other pizzas.) sprinkle salsa over that. a last drizzle of e.v.o.o. and pop it into the hot oven for about 10 minutes or till bubbly/brown.

remove. set to cool on a rack while you do the same thing to the other ball of dough.

cut into pieces. go buckwild. wrap up leftovers in foil and shove it RIGHT BACK INTO THE FUCKIN' FREEZER where that shumai started! stupid fucking shumai... i showed you who's boss... *sniffle*...

frozen grapes surprise

DESCRIPTION

another fun way to stretch a perishable food item.

INGREDIENTS

seedless grapes
a plastic container

DIRECTIONS

wash the grapes. pluck 'em off the stem and chuck them into the plastic container.

toss that container in the freezer.

in a few hours, check that freezer. surprise! you've got frozen grapes, asshole! now leave me alone...

ghetto fried rice

DESCRIPTION

ok, this is totally ghetto and i'm vaguely ashamed for posting it, but you do what you gotta do to stretch a can of soup into a few meals.

for soup, i use Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle, but i reckon you can use different brands. it's good with bigger chunks of chicken, though. and you can add all sorts of extras into the mix, depending on what you have at hand (ham, bacon, assorted veggies, m&m's, etc.). cooking the rice in the chicken soup gives it a nice dose of salt. i reckon you could substitute vegetable stock if that's the way you swing...

INGREDIENTS

1 can chicken noodle soup
1-2 cups rice
water
a good handful of frozen peas
a good handful of baby carrots
2 eggs (optional)
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)

DIRECTIONS

use 1-2 cups rice, depending on how much you wanna stretch this thing. rinse it a few times. strain the chicken soup into the rice (set aside the noodles/chicken chunks/carrot pieces). check the "water line" in the rice pot; you'll be a little short of the liquid you need to cook the rice. just fill it the rest of the way there with some water. i'm not a rice cooker expert, so i'm just going to assume you know how to make rice with your cooker.

chop up your baby carrots in a food processor. throw this and the frozen peas into the rice cooker. now set that shit to cook!

watch some tv and/or have a few more drinks while you wait for that to cook.

when it's ready, fluff up the rice/carrots/peas a bit, make sure it looks all right.

heat up a large pan. pour a dose of e.v.o.o. into the hot pan. if you're lucky enough to have eggs, crack them into the pan and scramble them up a bit. toss all the chicken soup bits onto the oil and shake it around with a spatula. chuck the contents of your rice pot onto there and start mixing, sucker. make sure everything's nicely incorporated. let it cook for a while so you get some crispy brown bits.

oh yeah, that's some ghetto fucking rice...

store some in tupperware, for another night. you can add other vegetables and leftover crap into the mix; it's fried fuckin rice, who's gonna know? do not let others know what's in there, or you will be ashamed.

i don't think i've ever actually consumed this sober.

edamame pizza

DESCRIPTION

the measurements here are rough. aside from the dough, these are essentially just toppings. leftover stuff sitting in the freezer/pantry.

the crackers are kind of a peasant-type trick for "stretching out" the cheese. it kind of creates a secondary thin crust. the pumpkin seeds add a little extra nuttiness.

you can use a range of shredded cheeses. they're pretty easy to find at a semi-decent grocery store. cheaper and easier to use than a regular hunk of cheese. for added ghetto-ness -- and because i hate going to the grocery store regularly -- i started buying a few packages of shredded cheese and just throwing them in the freezer. that's what you'd do with a frozen pizza...

for the chili sauce, i use this shit i pick up in chinatown, cheaply. you can find it elsewhere, for a buck or two more. or you could use some other hot sauce you like (if you wanna be a jerk about it). it's a decent replacement for a traditional tomato sauce, when you don't have it...

i know this sounds strange, but it was pretty good in a pinch...

INGREDIENTS

basic pizza dough
corn meal
1 cup frozen edamame (without shells)
1 cup frozen peas
10 whole-wheat crackers, crumbled
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)
chili sauce (substitute some tomato sauce, if you can't stand the heat)
some sea salt
1 package shredded cheese (something with mozzarella works nice)

DIRECTIONS

preheat the oven to 500 degrees F, or as high as it goes.

if the pumpkin seeds aren't toasted, toast them a bit in a dry pan over medium heat. just until they're a little brown. it releases oils or something, makes 'em tastier.

throw the toasted pumpkin seeds and the crumbled crackers into a food processor. cover it up and give it a few pulses till it's all crumbs. pour in roughly a tablespoon of e.v.o.o. give it a few more pulses. dump in your shredded cheese. pulse it till it's all incorporated. empty the crumbly mixture into a separate bowl.

you don't even have to bother washing out the food processor -- throw in the shelled edamamme and the peas. add a pinch or two of good sea salt. give it a few good pulses till it's all shredded together. set that aside.

now clear off your cutting board and sprinkle a liberal amount of some nice coarse corn meal on it. grab about half your dough and slap it onto the board. start working it into a disc. (or a rectangle; whatever shape your target pan is.) flip it over and work it with your fingers. sprinkle more cornmeal if it gets too sticky. start using a rolling pin to get that crust REALLY THIN.

sprinkle your target pan with more cornmeal. place your rolled-out dough on top. press it out a little more if you like. give the pan a little shake to make sure that this dough won't stick when you try to get it out later; the coarse cornmeal should keep it from sticking and should absorb some extra moisture so your crust will be nice and crisp.

now's the good part. drop a few tablespoons of the chili sauce on top of the dough. (to your liking.) pour a little e.v.o.o. on top of that and spread the whole thing around with your fingers. next, sprinkle half the cracker/cheese mixture evenly over the top. then sprinkle half the edamame/peas mixture over that. give a final dash of e.v.o.o. over everything and pop it in the hot oven.

ovens vary but give it about 10 minutes, or until the crust is light brown and everything's a bit bubbly.

repeat the process with the other half of the dough. let it all cool a bit. go nuts and/or freeze for another day. don't forget to turn off that oven... or blow out the pilot light if you just want to end it all...

Basic Pizza Dough

DESCRIPTION

This is a basic dough recipe I use. It's pretty simple and fairly generic. As far as budget, the most expensive ingredient here is a decent olive oil. This is some cheap shit.

Again, it's dead simple to just throw these ingredients in a breadmaker to do all this work for you, but I've thrown together some manual instructions here.

INGREDIENTS

1 packet yeast
1 cup warm water
pinch of sugar

3 cups bread flour (or all-purpose)
a little olive oil
pinch of salt

DIRECTIONS

mix the yeast into the warm water; add a pinch of sugar. this feeds the yeast and helps it come alive. let it sit for a few minutes till it starts to form bubbles and rise up a little. this lets you know that it's working for you. sometimes i add a little of the flour to feed it some more.

next, in a big bowl, incorporate the yeast-water in with the flour. add a pinch of salt. (careful with the salt: the sugar feeds the yeast, but the salt murders it a little.) add a tablespoon of oil or butter if you like. (the fat gives the dough a slightly softer consistency when it's cooked.) mix till it forms a dough. get your hands in there. if it's too sticky, add a little more flour; too dry, add a little more water. you get the feel for it.

when it's nice and doughy, sprinkle some flour onto a sturdy work surface/cutting board and start kneading it. punch it down, fold it over, get out your aggressions. this kneading part is important for the dough to have a smooth, even consistency; otherwise, you end up with lumpy, clumpy bread. you'll get a feel for the dough when it's nice and smooth.

throw it back in a bowl. rub the top of the dough with some oil to prevent it from drying out as it rises. cover with a moist paper towel and let it rise somewhere dark and warm... let's say about half an hour.

now, the thing with this being a pizza dough is that it doesn't have to rise a hell of a lot, especially if we're making a thin-crust.

And so it is...
The shorter story...
No love, no glory...

Equipment

a basic rundown of what i like to have around the house, to help make cooking easier. this is where it helps to have a bunch of old "wedding gifts" lying about collecting dust...

breadmaker
some people would call it sacrilege, but it's really quite useful. i rarely actually bake bread in mine; mostly, it's a dough-maker for me. and there are all sorts of things you can make with dough.

food processor
these are useful for all sorts of things; makes the chopping a lot faster. particularly useful for using up a bunch of old bits and pieces in the pantry.

rice cooker
makes rice. rice is cheap.

microwave/toaster oven
with a decent toaster oven, you could potentially do without an actual oven. and microwaves are good standby resources. but nothing really beats a decent stove.

general
not that i successfully practice this, but it's good to have a clear countertop space to prepare things. a good-sized cutting board. a sharp chef's knife. a decent refrigerator/freezer makes a world of difference, too.

An Introduction

this here's a collection of recipes, inspired by my desire to empty my cupboard of random things that have been collecting dust or frost. many of the recipes will include ingredients that have just been sitting there for a long time; reminders of an old life.

a decent breadmaker can be a bachelor's best friend. it's the dead easiest way to make dough. dump the ingredients in and let it go. within 90 minutes, you can make enough pizza to feed you a week. or cater a dinner party to feed a bunch of people. flour + water + yeast = cheap. a pizza's like a sandwich; there's a lot you can throw on there. there'll probably be a few pizza recipes on here for that reason. i'll include directions for making the dough manually, but a breadmaker helps make it a no-brainer and frees up your time.

some of these things will be crap. cooking ain't a science. and a lot of these will be about making do what what i've got on hand. think of it as an open-ended cookbook from a poor bastard just trying to make it through another day.