the poor boy's cupboard

Best Peanut Butter Cookies Ever

2010-05-31T15:33:00.006-04:00

DESCRIPTION
Found this surprisingly simple peanut butter cookie recipe that uses NO FLOUR. I was amazed that it actually works.

I've altered it slightly. Halved the recipe for a smaller batch, included brown sugar and decreased the total amount of sugar just a bit.

I think this works best with an organic-type peanut butter, as opposed to one of the more homogeneous retail brands like JIF/Skippy. Something chunky to offer texture. Not a lot of added oil/sugar. (I used Brad's Organic Chunky Peanut Butter because it was the cheapest thing on the shelf: it was surprisingly/disconcertingly soupy—I poured it into a measuring cup without needing a knife/spoon—but it worked great in this recipe. Sole ingredient listed on the label: organic peanuts.)

The cookie it produces will melt in your mouth. Because of the lack of the flour, they'll crumble easier—so they may not be the best alternative for shipping long distances—but they're simply amazing and the recipe's dead easy. I think the taste of peanut butter is more intense because it's the dominant ingredient.

INGREDIENTS
1 cup (good) chunky peanut butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 pinch salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350F.

Mix everything up.

Drop on parchment covered pan. Rounded balls, a good 2" apart. (The baking soda will make them spread.) Smash them flat, with your hand and/or a fork.

Bake 8-10 mins.

Let cool for about 5 minutes on a pan to let them set before removing them to a cooling rack to cool completely.

This makes a small batch. You can simply double the recipe to make more.

You MUST try these.

Sandra Lee's Cream Lemon

2010-03-14T19:18:00.002-04:00

Sandy Lee made the following cocktail on her Semi-Homemade programme:

Vodka
Lemonade
Heavy Cream (!!!)

Somebody slowed down video of her drinking this and her wince is a startling poker-tell. (The animated gif above will save you the trouble of clicking through to the video.)

I haven't tried it myself but Sandra's infamous for some dangerously questionable concoctions. Caveat emptor.

Warm Sesame Noodles

2010-02-27T09:31:00.007-05:00

DESCRIPTION
This one goes back to the heart of the origins of this blog: budget improvised food.

I've adapted this one from this "lo mein" recipe. I tried it out of curiosity and it's more like "sesame noodles".

All the measurements are estimates. Customize at will.

INGREDIENTS

1 (3 ounce) package ramen noodles (just toss the flavor packet)
2 teaspoons minced garlic
2 tablespoons oil
sesame oil (1-2 shakes)
1 teaspoon oyster sauce
1 chopped scallion
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon creamy peanut butter

OPTIONAL
sliced baby carrots
bean sprouts that have been soaked
thinly sliced meat

DIRECTIONS

Cook the ramen noodles (3 minutes in boiling water), then drain and set aside. Add your oils to that drained hot pot and start sauteing the scallions/veggies/meat. (You may want to do this longer if you're cooking raw meat.) Add everything else and stir quickly to establish a sauce.

Toss in the ramen noodles as the final step and incorporate everything really well. Add a bit more sesame oil if it's a little dry. You don't want to cook the ramen that much longer because they're already soft.

It works, really. You can totally improvise with the ingredients. (You may not need oyster sauce, but I had it on hand.) Cheap and quick and easy. Eat from a bowl using chopsticks to really sell the dish.

Deep Dish Pizza Project 2

2010-02-20T08:44:00.003-05:00

DESCRIPTION

This version was adapted from a few new sources including this recipe. So many of the recipes posted on the internet claim to have it "right", supported by high ratings of others who've tested them.

ATTEMPT 3: INGREDIENTS
[CRUST]

1/4 C. corn meal
1/4 C. corn oil
1/4 C. butter-flavored CRISCO shortening
3/4 C. warm water
1 Tsp garlic powder
1 Tsp salt
1 Tsp sugar
3 C. all-purpose flour
1 packet yeast

[TOPPING]

Mozzarella
Canned crushed tomatoes
Grated hard cheese

DIRECTIONS

After the mix, REFRIGERATE OVERNIGHT. Everything else is pretty much standard. 450 degrees, 30 minutes or so.

VERDICT

I still haven't found what I'm looking for. This one produces a crust that is noticeably more "pastry-like", but it's not quite there.

The switch to "all-purpose" flour from bread flour arguably assists in producing a flakier (less "bready") crust. And the quality and brand of oils probably makes a difference in taste. (I used a regular Wesson Corn Oil, which was the only thing I could find nearby.)

It may be a game of percentages. I'm looking for a crust that is flaky, buttery, savory, without tasting inordinately *oily*. Some middle ground between a pie crust, a biscuit and a regular pizza crust. THIS RECIPE IS NOT THE ONE. It's not bad but it's not The One.

I no longer believe that eggs are part of the answer. I don't have a clear answer for my next move. If pushed to guess, I'd imagine a little less oil, a little more salt.

But this remains a mystery...

Deep Dish Pizza Project 1

2010-02-15T22:42:00.003-05:00

DESCRIPTION

I've been tinkering with this, off and on, FOR YEARS. Trying to recreate a proper Chicago-style "deep dish pizza", in the vein of Pizzeria Uno or Lou Malnati's.

You would think that in the information age, this would be a no-brainer, but I have not been able to properly replicate the crust...

ATTEMPT 1: INGREDIENTS
[CRUST]

1/4 C. corn meal
1/4 C. olive oil
2 3/4 C. bread flour
1 C. warm water
1 packet yeast

[TOPPING]

Mozzarella
Canned crushed tomatoes
Grated hard cheese

DIRECTIONS

The directions are pretty straight-forward. I use a legit cast-iron skillet, for whatever that's worth. Generously grease the pan. Mold in the dough, cheese before tomatoes. Sprinkle top with grated cheese.

425 degrees F. 30-40 mins.

This is the most common crust recipe out there and it produces a pretty good result but it does NOT match up with what I've gotten from restaurants... and I'm convinced that it is the crust recipe... the crust here was a little too dry and brittle...

ATTEMPT 2: INGREDIENTS
[CRUST]

1/4 C. corn meal
1/4 C. olive oil
2 Tbls butter
2 egg yolks
2 Tbls sugar
1 Tsp salt
2 3/4 C. bread flour
1 C. warm water
1 packet yeast

[TOPPING]

Same as above

DIRECTIONS

Same drill in terms of prep and baking. I added egg yolks, butter and sugar to this recipe to make it more tender and savory. Slightly more like a brioche.

The result? I added a bit too much sugar which browned the crust a little much. Yolks produced a denser, richer crust but it still did not generate the rich, buttery crust that it needs to be.

Next time: less sugar, whole eggs.

KABOCHA SQUASH PIE

2009-11-25T23:33:00.002-05:00

Has it been over a year, dormant blog?

This is from a NY Times article a friend shared with me.

I wanna try it:

Adapted from Pichet Ong
Time: About 2 1/2 hours

For the filling:
1 medium kabocha squash, about 3 pounds
10 ounces (1 1/3 cups) cream cheese, at room temperature
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
3/4 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg (about 1/4 of a nutmeg)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 tablespoons brandy
2 eggs at room temperature

For the crust:
3/4 cup (2 ounces) walnuts
1/2 cup, packed, light brown sugar
3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs (about 7 crackers)
Grated zest of 1 lime
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground ginger
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup (2 ounces) unsalted butter, melted
Crème fraîche, for serving (optional)
Ginger butterscotch sauce, for serving (see recipe).

1. For pie filling, bring an inch of water to a boil in a large covered pot fitted with a steamer basket or rack. Put in squash, cover and steam, replenishing water as needed, until fork tender, about 1 hour. Turn squash over halfway through steaming. Set squash aside until cool enough to handle.
2. Heat oven to 325 degrees. For crust, place walnuts on a baking tray, and toast in oven, stirring once or twice, until fragrant, about 15 minutes. Let cool. Reduce oven temperature to 300 degrees.
3. In a food processor, combine walnuts with a few tablespoons brown sugar and pulse a few times, until nuts are coarsely ground. In a large bowl, whisk nuts with graham cracker crumbs, remaining brown sugar, lime zest, spices and salt. Pour melted butter over this mixture, and mix with your fingers until butter is distributed. Press evenly into a 10-inch glass pie plate. Bake crust until lightly browned, about 12 minutes, then set aside. Keep oven at 300 degrees.
4. When squash is cool, cut it in half and scoop out seeds and pulp. Scoop squash flesh into a measuring cup until you have 2 1/2 cups.
5. In a food processor, process cream cheese with sugar, spices and salt until light and smooth. Scrape down bowl, add squash and process until smooth. Mix in brandy and then eggs, one at a time. Finish mixing with a rubber spatula.
6. Place pie plate on a baking sheet and scrape filling into crust. Bake until just set in center, about 1 hour. Let cool before serving, topped with crème fraîche and drizzled with butterscotch sauce.
Yield: 8 servings.

GINGER BUTTERSCOTCH SAUCE
Adapted from Pichet Ong
Time: 25 minutes plus 30 minutes' cooling

1 pound dark brown sugar
2 1/2 ounces (about 4 inches) fresh ginger root, peeled and sliced into coins
1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise, pulp scraped
10 tablespoons (5 ounces) unsalted butter, cubed
2 cups heavy cream
3/4 teaspoon salt.

1. Place sugar, ginger and vanilla pod and pulp in a heavy pot set over medium heat. Cook, stirring occasionally, until sugar is molten and fragrant with ginger and vanilla, about 8 minutes. (It won't melt entirely but will be somewhat crumbly.) Add butter (stand back, it will foam up), and stir until melted and smooth, about 2 minutes.
2. Pour cream and salt into pot, stirring, and bring to a simmer. Let sauce bubble until thickened, about 8 minutes. Let cool for at least 1/2 hour, then strain out ginger and vanilla pod. Warm sauce before serving. This sauce will keep for up to 2 weeks in refrigerator.
Yield: 3 1/2 cups.

Election Chocolate Pie

2008-11-04T12:25:00.004-05:00

DESCRIPTION

Went to my polling site and voted this morning. There was a PTA bake sale in the lobby and I bought a slice of "fudge pie" from this statuesque MILF. Liked it so much (yeah, I ate a slice of chocolate pie for breakfast) that I went back in and asked for the recipe.

She looked at me a little strangely and I was afraid she might charge me for it, but she wrote it down for me. It was her Little Rock, Arkansas mother-in-law's recipe.

INGREDIENTS

(Pie Crust)
[Look up a decent pie crust recipe: she didn't offer up ingredients for the crust, which wasn't anything too special]

(Filling)
4 eggs
3 tbls Karo syrup
1 1/2 C. sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
1 stick of butter, melted
3 oz. UNSWEETENED chocolate, melted

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Beat eggs. Dump in all the rest and use an electric mixer to incorporate really well.

Pour into your readied pie crust and bake for 35 minutes.

She called it a "fudge pie" and I was expecting it to be really dense like fudge, but it was surprisingly soft. Really simple but lovely.

Vote for change and eat some fucking chocolate pie, America.

Chicken Fried Steak Ice Cream

2008-08-28T21:53:00.003-04:00

Hungry for an order of chicken fried steak ice cream?!

Get ready to be fucking appalled by 101 Frightening Ice Cream Flavors from AROUND THE WORLD!

The Hydrox Proxy

2008-05-25T01:50:00.003-04:00

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone...?

They paved Paradise and put up a parking lot.

I had no idea that Hydrox Cookies:

A) Pre-dated OREOS
B) Are now a discontinued brand

For what it's worth, I do remember them. And I did prefer them. The taste was just subtly but distinctly superior.

It's good to mourn. You are not alone. (Check out "The Truth" on that Hydrox Cookie fan page.)

!!!UPDATE!!!
Back by popular demand...?

Fried Apple Pies

2008-05-17T23:40:00.003-04:00

Are you young enough to remember McDonalds's original fried apple pies?

Largely retired since 1992, they're still out there if you're willing to travel. That's the fun thing about the old golden arches. They preach uniformity, but there's actually a great range of variation throughout their worldwide empire.

Or you can try one of the many recipes out there. That's filed under

Things I Will Do One Day When I'm Feeling Better About the World

Bow Down Before the One You Serve

2008-01-16T21:30:00.000-05:00

Obey, Brad.

Obey.

Brad Renfro has a posse, now.

The fear is real inside your heart.

"Sister Cake"

2007-11-14T15:35:00.000-05:00

From my mom...

Here's the recipe: 2 sticks of butter; 2 packets of yeast; 1 Liter of milk; 1 cup of raisins; 5 Lbs. of flour.

Warm the milk, take 1/2 cup warm milk and mix the yeast, melt the butter. In a bowl put all of the said ingredients then start adding the flour, I use up half of the bag, so it is about 2 1/2 lbs of the flour. If the wooden spatula can stand that means the mixture is good.

Cover and let it rise for 1/2 to 45'. The raisins I mix a little flour then once the mixture is fully rised add the raisins.

You need 4 foil bread tray. Fill it up with the mixture about half full.

Bake in a preheated 400 degrees oven for 45'.

Best Pesto

2007-10-15T20:40:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION
Don't ask me about measurements on this one...

INGREDIENTS
a lot of garlic (a whole bulb, maybe)
walnuts
pine nuts
a bunch of fresh basil
a bunch of fresh parsley
a bunch of fresh spinach
a nice hunk of Parmigiano Reggiano
a lot of olive oil

DIRECTIONS
Okay, you know the drill with pesto. It's just a bunch of stuff all mashed up together, resulting in a green paste-like thing.

I saw this one on some tv show. They didn't give measurements, either. I think some cheese shop out West uses all these ingredients for their famous pesto. So I tried it, and it's great.

I've made pesto before, out of different ingredients. I've never *combined* ingredients like this one does. And it produces something special.

Restrictions

2007-07-03T20:45:00.000-04:00

Wow. I guess if this blog were a movie, it'd be rated "R", sheerly based on language. Cock, shit, fuck and cunt.

It's a poorly updated foodie blog.

One day, when I get a new apartment with a really kick-ass kitchen and a lot more room to entertain, just you watch... this blog will come to motherfucking life again.

Blogs, they're cyclical.

The Life & Death of Jack Bourdain

2007-06-18T17:45:00.000-04:00

I read Anthony Bourdain's "Kitchen Confidential" years ago. A fascinating read, infamously offering an insider's tour of a top NYC chef's world. The book made a big splash. It was set for a big fat movie adaptation called "Seared", with Brad Pitt set to star and David Fincher set to direct...

And then... it didn't happen. For any number of mysterious reasons that these things don't happen.

Then, by similarly mystical turns, it became a television show.

KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL: THE COMPLETE SERIES is now available on DVD, featuring 13 episodes, 9 of them never broadcast.

SEX IN THE CITY's Darren Starr brought in writer David Hemingson, who used Bourdain's book as an inspiration for this ensemble comedy. Starring ALIAS's Bradley Cooper as a fictionalized "Jack Bourdain".

I had some issues with the show when I caught it during its abbreviated run. The depiction of sex throughout seemed forced to me. Every woman on the planet wants to fuck Bradley Cooper—I get it already! On what level was that supposed to be entertaining? The chef-as-rock-star conceit seemed to be aiming for a base audience.

But as the show went on, I felt like it began to find its voice. It didn't shy away from its foodie premise. The first sign of it, for me, was an episode called "Dinner Date with Death", with a fine guest star turn from John Larroquette as a gourmand who's trying to kill himself by dining on the richest foods.

That was followed by "French Fight", featuring Cooper's old ALIAS buddy Michael Vartan as a French Chef who wages a food fight with Chef Bourdain. And as far as guest stars go, it's hard to top SERENITY's lovely and amazing Morena Baccarin in the episode "An Affair to Remember".

Bradley Cooper graduated from J.J. Abrams's school of romantic comedy, and he puts it to good use here. Yes, Jack Bourdain gets entirely too much sex for us (me) to completely care about him, but Cooper manages to keep him very likable. And he's got a great ensemble cast backing him up. The writing's solid and it gets better as it goes. The show builds through 13 episodes. John Cho actually gets to kiss a girl. It was a good show!

Which is why it's such a shame that it was yanked. It really should have had a longer life than it did. With all the shows exploring the lives of cops, lawyers and doctors, I think the TV landscape could have used a good foodie sitcom.

At least Tony Bourdain's got the Travel Channel...

Empire of Deens

2007-04-25T23:59:00.000-04:00

Hello, neglected blog that used to be about recipes! You disappeared for a few days, a casualty of BLOGGER migration, but it appears that you are back among the blogoverse.

Last week, thanks to my friend J-Goose, I saw Paula Deen & Family at the BORDERS in the Columbus Circle Mall -- a place I almost never go to.

Deen was promoting her new autobiography and the store had a stack of pre-signed copies. The place got pretty packed and the crowd embraced Paula like she were royalty. Approachable royalty.

To sweeten the pot, Paula had her husband Michael with her. And Jamie and Bobby even made a surprise appearance.

All right, I'm so jaded, it's appalling. And yet, it's a testament to Paula Deen that I still found her incredibly disarming. If it's an act, it's a hell of an act. She can emote Damien Rice off a stage. She's charismatic, her kids are charismatic. It's more than that sheen of celebrity. That's part of it. But they just seem... genuine. They just seem like good people, and you're inclined to feel happy for their success.

DVR ALERT -- after years of turning it down, Paula says she finally agreed to participate in an Iron Chef competition. For cookies. Wonder who she'd be going up against? (I'm praying it's Nigella Lawson.)

While we're talking Food Network (and I hate for this to degenerate into a Food Network Commentary blog, because I haven't even been watching much of Food Network lately -- but I don't have any damn recipes to share, so what the fuck am I going to do here?), I been going to the Chelsea Market recently because I've had to be around there due to a project I've been working on. Anyway, it's the strangest place because it always seems like a bit of a ghost town, but there's a lot of cool foodie shit there. Even though I've got no real need for any of it as -- if I 'aven't a'ready mentioned -- I'm not much of a cooker lately, guv!

Jesus Christ, this is a good blog entry.

Bourdain Throwdown

2007-02-09T18:39:00.000-05:00

Love him, hate him -- I think Anthony Bourdain's just grand. "Kitchen Confidential" is a great read.

Here is a terrific little guest blog entry by him, breaking down his thoughts on the current state of FOOD TV. I think it's hilarious how thorough he is! For all his critiques, this is a man who has seriously watched the FOOD NETWORK!

Iron Heat

2006-12-25T00:43:00.000-05:00

My apologies for how poorly this blog has been kept. Not much of a cooker these days, and what I do prepare isn't worth sharing. (Trust me.)

Well, here's a special update. A secret blog entry -- since it feels inappropriate for my other blogs and this blog probably gets zero traffic at this point.

I recently watched the special Iron Chef showdown,

Rachel Ray vs Giada De Laurentiis!

I've gone the extra mile and uploaded screencaps: an exceptionally cumbersome thing I rarely trouble with.

I won't be giving a beat-by-beat recap. That'd be better served by someone else's blog. I won't even be dwelling much on the actual food aspects, or the final scorecard:
I found the idea more interesting than the actual produced show.

Some people would ask, why would they do this? Pit two of their most popular "food stars" against each other?

I ask, what took them so long?

I think one of the fascinating things about "food tv" is that a person can have a food show, or multiple food shows, yet have questionable culinary credentials. RR's got some restaurant experience, but not as a chef. G-Delly's been to pastry school, I think. Neither has been the chef of a restaurant, which seems to be a prerequisite for Iron Chef challengers. That said, the beloved Paula Deen and the distasteful Emeril have been curiously absent from Iron Chef. I reckon some of the TV personalities are probably a bit chickenshit. Which is why my respect for both RR and G-Del has suffered a boost.

Iron Chef America does a good job of casting its Food-TV personalities...
Alton Brown is the perfect man for color commentary, able to fill time with secret-ingredient fun facts from his encyclopedic food-geek knowledge.
Kevin Brauch used to have a show called "The Thirsty Traveler", which was basically a globe-spanning bar crawl. He's got an easy rapport with Alton and it's nice to see him working. Some Food-TV Stars are challengers, some are just reliable support staff. Again, respect for RR and GDL throwing caution to the wind and agreeing to the challenge.

Of course, at the top of the show, both ladies are let off the hook by news that they'll be "assisted" by the Iron Chefs who trained them...

The relieved G-Del linked with

BOBBY FLAY!!!

The irrepressible RR linked with

MARIO BATALI!!!
Yes, it's a total cheat. RR and GDL are reduced to being assistants.

Non-sequitur shout out to the lovely Cat Cora. Who wasn't used, but I uploaded her picture anyway because I'm an admirer of her steely, reserved beauty.

Hey, the competition out the window, let's focus on the superficial things...
Battle Cranberry gives us the opportunity to compare
The aerobicized Princess Giada, and
The plucky ex-cheerleader Rachel...

First time I saw Giada, I thought "Natalie Portman". I thought, "This person is way too pretty to be a cooker." I grew up watching Julia Child and The Frugal Gourmet. When Giada filled a pot of boiling water with pasta on her show, it was shot as if it were a sex scene.

By contrast, Rachel always came across as unstoppably perky. Pretty, but not the kind of pretty that makes you do a double-take (like Giada). The kind of pretty that grows on you.

But as long as we're talking pretty, stop the press...
Jill Bernstein. Senior Editor of Entertainment Weekly.
I ended up uploading an inordinate number of screencaps of this judge...
Yes, I understand why they'd load the panel with "easy" judges, but why would they pick a judge that's prettier than both of their stars...?
Jill Bernstein. Prettiest girl in the classroom.
Jill Bernstein. The radiant girl you had a crush on in 9th grade and never said anything to.
Jill Bernstein. [Something to describe Jill Bernstein.]
I bet she's got a really attractive fiancé...

Yes. I'm very lonely and have entirely too much time to think about it.

Aside from dreaming about which pretty girl I'd most like to go out with in my fantasy world, the actual show was pretty dull. Giada and Bobby were slightly more crazed. Rachel and Mario didn't break a sweat.

In a bold move, Mario prepared drinks for the judges.
Alton tried to get Flay to comment on the move but
Flay couldn't be bothered to say something witty. He seemed fairly humorless throughout. Just like he is on his "Throwdown" show. He's got a competitive streak that doesn't let up, even when he's supposed to be playing second fiddle to the Italian Princess. Ain't no "friendly competition" in him.

My interest reignited during the final judging...

While the judges were about the gentlest judges I've ever seen on the show...
(I love you, Jill...)
When Giada/Bobby (Giadobby) unveiled their ravioli with crumbled biscotti...
The clean-shaven judge dared to comment -- ever so apologetically -- that it wasn't entirely his cup of tea.
Resulting in a notably unhappy GDL. Yes, there was an element of mugging for the cameras, but she seemed genuinely hurt. Clearly not accustomed to ANYONE disliking her cooking and telling her about it. And this judge was not mean in offering her criticism. He seemed extremely reluctant to have to say it, in fact.

Make no mistake, this is where the show started getting hot.

I was never a big fan of Rachel Ray. I never quite made it to the "Rachel Ray Sucks" level, but I also wasn't inclined to keep the channel set whenever "30-Minute Meals" or "$40 a Day" came on.
But something happens when she relaxes that black-hole smile of hers. And don't get me wrong, it's an adorable black-hole of a smile. But watching her at her final judging on this show... trying to maintain a modest smile while gentle criticisms floated toward her... the forced smile she flashes up at Mario...
Or this shot. As several judges tell her that her pasta is slightly undercooked. If you watch the video, it almost looks like her heart is breaking. To suffer such an unimaginable insult. And to have to take it without cracking. Her sexy smoker's voice uncharacteristically low -- humble -- as she mumbles, "Gotta cook it a little longer, hyeh..."
I'm sure she's not as perky in person as she is as a television persona. (How could anyone be? They'd die from the toxicity.) But watching the enthusiasm drain from her visage made me realize how gorgeous she can be. Maybe not as gorgeous as a Jill Bernstein... but a warmer, girl-next-door gorgeous.
Watching her try to force the pluckiness made it even more endearing. You could start to see the war beneath the teeth. This woman is TRYING.
In the end, the losers seemed genuinely bitter/hurt. As friendly as the match was supposed to be, you could see the loss meant something. Check out the murder in Bobby's face. The humility as Giada's lips disappear.
Mario just waltzed through the whole show and doesn't seem the least bit surprised at the outcome. Rachel looks like she's just gotten the Malibu Barbie Dream House for Christmas.

But was this ever about food?

I say, Rachel Ray wins this one, hands down. For winning my heart. Arguably the most over-exposed of the lot, she managed to come across as disarmingly human and girlfriendable.

The runner-up is Jill Bernstein. Points lost for being a bit too pretty and thus not quite girlfriendable.

Third place, sadly, Giada De Laurentiis. Points off for covergirl looks and a Hollywood bloodline. The show didn't humanize her for me. Which is probably why I uploaded so few stills of her.

Whoa. This was a lot of work just to illustrate how lonely my life is. A long way to go for such a sad and obvious point!

Merry Chrimbo!

Tapenade Bread

2006-09-19T20:48:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION
Alton Brown. I like his show. It's like Mr. Wizard, but a whole lot cornier and focused on food.

However, he seems much more interested in the science of cooking than... really good eats. He uses way too many tools to cook, and he seems to overcomplicate the simplest recipes.

That said, I tried this recipe because I had some tapenade I wanted to use up. Couldn't find the recipe on the Food TV site, but I eventually managed to find a transcript of the episode and I present it here broken down simple. In the actual episode, he doesn't even cut into the bread afterwards, or relate what it tastes like. (Asshole.) I can tell you, it ends up being like a slightly savory cornbread type bread. I might augment this, make it sweeter or savoryer or something... in any case, git some.

INGREDIENTS
3 tsp. Baking Powder
3 1/2 C. Flour
1/3 C. tapenade
1 1/4 tsp. Salt
1/2 Cup Olive Oil
1 Cup Skim Milk
2 Eggs, Beaten
2 Tbs. Honey
Handful of roughly chopped olives

DIRECTIONS
Whiz up the Flour and Baking Powder in a food processor. Dump in the tapenade and whiz that till you can't see it no more.

Dump the Salt, Olive Oil, Milk, Eggs and Honey into a large bowl. Whisk up till it's thoroughly emulsified. (Honey'll clump up in the cold, so just keep whiskin.) Stir in the olives.

Pour the dry ingredients in. Use a spatula to mix until JUST incorporated. DO NOT OVERMIX. It's okay if there are dry bits, just go with it.

Pour into a greased loaf pan and bake @ 375 degrees F. Check it at about 45 minutes. Knife test it. It may have to be in there for as long as an hour and twenty minutes, but 45 minutes was good for mine.

Let cool about half an hour before cutting in. Or fuck Alton and just dig the fuck in. Who gives two craps?!

Interlude: Empty Cupboard

2006-07-31T05:45:00.000-04:00

In my refrigerator right now:

Jar of low-sugar marmalade
A near empty jar of pricey Sarabeth jam
Two containers of minced garlic (??)
An old stick of butter
BRITTA water

Relax -- I'm not gonna attempt to make something out of that. I should buy some groceries, but I kind of can't be bothered. My heart's not into cooking. Maybe I'll change my mind later today or later this week. I need to eat this week. Human beings need to eat. That's part of the deal. But then again, what's the point of any of it...?

Poor Malice Casserole

2006-07-10T10:40:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

When I started this blog, I was pigeon-holed as a pizza recipe man. Now, I'm in danger of becoming Mr. Bread Pudding. In an effort to downplay it, I'm simply referring to this as a "casserole", because that's what it essentially is.

The bottom line is, no matter what the grocery bill is, these dishes make A LOT of portions and will feed you for a fucking WHILE. And it's the kind of dish that tastes better the day after. (And the day after, etc.) And I've been so awfully broke as of late...

Consider this one as the template recipe. All my recipes are modifications on recipes that I find; here, I encourage you to experiment.

INGREDIENTS

"The Essentials"
olive oil
2 packages of frozen, chopped spinach, well-drained
1 lb of mushrooms (any kind), chopped
2 yellow onions, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, chopped
3 cups fake eggs (equivalent of 6 eggs)
2 cups fat free half-and-half (1 pint)
3 cups low-fat or skim milk

1 loaf of a good crusty bread (whole wheat/grain), torn up

"The Optionals"
salt
black pepper
1 cup parmesan
any seasonings you like
shredded cheeses are good; whatever you like
vegetables you like (chopped broccoli?)
meats or fake meats, chopped
instead of 1 loaf of bread, you could combine a bunch of different bits of old bread

DIRECTIONS

In a large pan, over a low heat, sauté chopped onions in a bit of olive oil until nicely carmelized. Add garlic, mushrooms, drained/thawed spinach and any seasonings. Add meat/fake meat any veggies. Remove from heat and set aside.

In a very large bowl, combine egg substitute, half-and-half, milk. Whisk well.

Add your slightly-cooled sauté mixture, stirring. Start added your torn pieces of bread, folding them in as you go. Eventually, you'll need to use your hands to really get in there.

Add all your cheeses. Incorporate well, with your hands.

Depending on how much stuff you've got in there, you may need to let it soak up a bit. It oughtn't be too soupy. If it is and you don't think it'll all get soaked up by the bread, you might want to add some more bread. If your bread's particularly dry/crusty, you may want to let it soak a little longer.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F, and grease a large baking dish (or several) with olive oil. Scoop your bread pudding concoction evenly to the pans. Sprinkle with any remaining cheese, drizzle with a little olive oil. Bake until firm in the center and golden brown -- "about 1 hour". Serve warm.

To reheat: heat up a pan and add a little olive oil. Scoop a portion of the casserole into the pan and sauté, breaking it up with your spatula. Let it brown a bit. Scoop onto a plate and go bonkers.

OK, since this pretty much covers anything you can do with this recipe, I shall retire my "casserole" line unless I come up with something that changes the rules.

My Russian Super Started a Fire in My Building: The Bread Pudding II

2006-06-10T15:20:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

See the previous entry for the explanation of why I've been getting free Russian black bread... My Russian super gave me another loaf while I was doing laundry Friday morning, so I figured I'd try out another recipe.

This one's a savory spinach and artichoke bread pudding.

I'm actually in the middle of making this right now so I can't rightly vouch for it and I may make some edits to this later. But I figured I'd type this up before I get too lazy to.

This one's a LOT more work. A LOT more ingredients. My goal was to SAVE money by living off this free bread, but the cost of ingredients racks up. Fortunately, I ought to be making enough to last me a pretty long stretch, so hopefully it balances out...

I adapted the recipe again.

INGREDIENTS

olive oil
2 packages of frozen, chopped spinach
2 yellow onions, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, chopped
italian seasoning
salt
black pepper
3 (8 1/2 oz) cans of quartered artichoke hearts, drained
3 cups fake eggs (equivalent of 6 eggs)
2 cups fat free half-and-half (1 pint)
3 cups low-fat milk
2 tbls fresh lemon juice
RUSSIAN BLACK BREAD!!! (or crusty French bread), one loaf cubed
1 lb brie, rind removed, cut into little cubes
1/2 cup parmesan

DIRECTIONS

Nuke the frozen spinach. Break it up. Squeeze as much water from it as you can. (Use your clean hands.) Set aside.

In a large pan, sauté chopped onions in a bit of olive oil until nicely carmelized. (Took me about 10 minutes.) Add garlic, 2 tsp italian seasoning, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp pepper; stir until garlic is "fragrant", about 30 seconds. Add artichoke hearts and stir well for another 2 minutes or so. Remove from heat and set aside.

In a very large bowl, combine egg substitute, half-and-half, milk, lemon juice, 1 tbl italian seasoning, 2 tsp salt, 1 tsp pepper. Whisk well.

This is where it pays to have a very large bowl...

Add the artichoke mixture, the chopped spinach and the cubed bread into the bowl, along with 1/4 cup parmesan and the pieces of brie. (I had to alternate between a big bowl and a large pasta pot.) Incorporate well.

Cover with plastic wrap. Pop in fridge to let it soak through.

Wash the dishes. Watch what you got from Netflix yesterday. Update your blog. Contemplate the kind of life you're leading and what kind of world your unborn children will inherit.

When you're ready to rock, preheat your oven to 350 degrees F, and grease a large baking dish (or several) with olive oil. Scoop your bread pudding concoction evenly to the pans, sprinkle with remaining parmesan and drizzle with a little olive oil. Bake until firm in the center and golden brown -- "about 1 hour". Serve warm.

Well, this one's a doozy. Took forever for me just to cut up the tough bread. And I didn't actually think to use frozen chopped spinach, so I had to do all that manually. And I'm not even sure my "adaptation" works yet, so reader beware. But nobody really tries to make the recipes off this blog, do they...?

My Russian Super Started a Fire in My Building: The Bread Pudding I

2006-06-05T14:46:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

There's a story here, so have a seat. My Russian super started a fire in my building a few weeks ago. Of course, it's not the official cause, but I'm pretty certain. He's the only person who walks around my building with a lit cigarette.

Anyway, the fire started in the hallway leading to my apartment. It was confined to the hallway, thanks to the heroes of the local NYFD, but I suspect out of guilt the guy has been giving me free Russian black bread since it happened. He's got friends at a Russian bakery and he gets tons of the shit.

This stuff is big, crusty and dense. I've been rather poor lately so I figured I'd try to live off the stuff, but it's tough to swallow, so I looked up a savory bread pudding recipe.

This uses wild mushrooms. I adapted it slightly to make it a little less decadent than the original recipe. I've got to think of my health, right?

INGREDIENTS

butter
3 yellow onions, chopped
2 tsp salt
cayenne pepper
ground black pepper
1/2 pound (about 3 cups) of wild mushrooms (whatever you can find), chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
5 eggs (or the equivalent of fake eggs)
2 cups fat-free half-and-half (1 pint)
1/4 tsp tabasco sauce
1 tsp worcestershire sauce
RUSSIAN BLACK BREAD!!!, cubed, about 4 cups
1/2 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano cheese

DIRECTIONS>

In a large pan, melt about 2 tblspoons of butter. Add chopped onions, 1 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper, and about "12 turns" of black pepper. Sauté for about 4 minutes.

Add chopped mushrooms to the pan, sauté for about 3 minutes. Add garlic and sauté for another minute or so. Remove from heat and cool.

In a very large bowl, whisk the eggs. Add half-and-half, 1 tsp salt, a few shakes of cayenne pepper, tabasco, worcestershire. Whisk until fully incorporated.

Stir in the cooled mushroom mixture. Add bread cubes and incorporate well.

I had a LOT of bread cubes and ended up having to mix it using TWO big bowls, to get everything evenly distributed. After I'd mixed it, I packed the whole thing into one of the bowls, covered with plastic wrap and popped it into the refrigerator overnight so it could all thoroughly soak through. I recommend letting it sit like this.

When you're ready to cook, preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Butter a really large casserole dish or two medium casserole dishes. Scoop your mixture evenly into your dish(es), sprinkle generously with grated cheese. Bake for 55 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to rest for at least 5 minutes before serving.

I made enough to feed me for a fucking while. It's essentially stuffing. You could heat it up by sautéing in a pan with a little olive oil. The stuff lasts a long time and is one of those things that seems to get better as it goes. (But when you're starving, anything tastes like prime rib...)

That Manno Clam Dip

2006-06-04T13:35:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

This one's courtesy of Dr. Helene Manno. It's one of the unique pleasures I enjoy anytime I'm invited over to the Manno Compound. It's brilliant on crackers, chips or just scooped high on a plate. When I die, I'd like to be buried in this.

INGREDIENTS

1 clove garlic, chopped
1/3 cup olive oil
1/3 cup butter

2 cans minced clams ("tuna fish size cans")
1/2 cup parmesan cheese
breadcrumbs

DIRECTIONS

Sauté garlic in olive oil and butter.

Scoop into a big bowl. Add clams, parmesan, and enough breadcrumbs to give the mixture a thick consistency.

This is one of the few recipes on here that I haven't actually tried making on my own. I actually fear my access to this recipe. I'm liable to make enough of it to kill myself several times over. Moderation? What's that?

Avast Ye Patties

2006-04-02T08:45:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

Been a long time, I know. J-Goose & Merillon had a screening of Pirates of the Caribbean last night, and I whipped up some vegetarian Caribbean Meatless Patties for the occasion. It was just a first attempt, but I think I've got it down now.

I used to love meat patties as a kid. Here, I've modified a traditional meat patty recipe to render it vegetarian.

INGREDIENTS

(Pastry Crust)
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons curry powder
1 dash salt
1/4 cup margarine
1/4 cup shortening
1/3 cup water

(Filling)
2 tablespoons margarine
about 1/2 pound vegetarian meatballs*, ground up
1 small onion, finely diced
1 teaspoon curry powder
1 teaspoon dried thyme
salt & pepper to taste
3/4 cup vegetarian broth
1 cup dry bread crumbs

1 egg, beaten

[* All I could find were vegetarian meatballs, but they do make other kinds of vegetarian "meat", including "vegetarian ground beef". Use what you find, being mindful of the flavors.]

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C).

In a large bowl, combine flour, 1 1/2 teaspoons curry powder, and pinch of salt. Cut in 1/4 cup margarine and shortening until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in water until mixture forms a ball. Shape dough into a log, and cut into 10 equal sections. Roll each section into a six inch circle (approximately 1/8 inch thick). Set aside. [To make appetizer version, cut into 20 pieces and make 3-inch circles... duh.]

The filling should be thought of as "stuffing", because that's what it is. Whiz up some old bread to render the breadcrumbs, because buying breadcrumbs is sad. The measurements for the filling are approximate. Use more veggie broth, use more breadcrumbs, it all depends on what you've got on hand.

Melt margarine in a skillet over medium heat. Saute onion until soft and translucent. Stir in the veggie ground meat. Season with 1 teaspoon curry powder, thyme, salt and pepper to taste. The veggie meat may be pre-cooked, but just stir until a bit more brown and everything's incorporated. Taste to make sure the seasoning works; if it's a little strong, don't worry because the bread crumbs and broth are going to cut it. Stir in the veggie broth and bread crumbs. Simmer until liquid is absorbed. Remove from heat.

Spoon equal amounts of filling into each pastry circle. Fold over and press edges together, making a half circle. Use a fork to press edges, and brush the top of each patty with beaten egg.

Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until golden brown.

As with all recipes, especially the ones on this blog, results may vary. It's important to experiment. Make it your own. You can do a lot of different things with the filling. Tofu and cheese. Apples and razor blades. Let your mind go nuts!

Cookie Monster's Cookies

2005-12-21T12:39:00.000-05:00

hi hi puffy ami yumi. does anybody still check this "blog"?

anyway, when i was a kid i remember this cookie monster recipe from sesame street magazine.

here is a clearer breakdown of the recipe.

that's all you get for the holidays, i'm afraid. that and a stupid transit strike. maybe a recipe for suicide in a few days. ha ha.

the saddest pasta in the world

2005-08-08T08:36:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

sad, sad, sad.

INGREDIENTS

some uncooked ziti/rigatoni
water
salt
olive oil
grated parmesan
(garlic?)

DIRECTIONS

put water in your pot, salt it and bring it to a rolling boil on the stovetop.

drop in your rigatoni or ziti and let it cook for however long it takes. (read the package, damn it.) drain it. don't rinse it, for christ's sake. that's stupid.

heat up a pan. put some olive oil in it. if you've got some garlic, put some finely minced garlic in there, spread it around. drop in your cooked pasta, sautee. sprinkle generously with grated parmesan. if you like, toss and cook until some of the pasta is a little browned at parts. taste it to make sure it's good. if it's not, rummage through your spice rack to see if anything can fix it.

if nothing fixes it, remove from heat and let it cool before scraping it into the garbage.

now, go to bed hungry, you loser. and buy some fucking groceries tomorrow.

tequila ice queen

2005-07-20T11:00:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

this is a dead easy one. makes a terrific breakfast.

INGREDIENTS

some good tequila
a few ice cubes
a glass

DIRECTIONS

pour yourself a big glass of tequila with a few ice cubes in it.

start sipping. go out for some drinks. when you get back, all the ice should be melted.

now you're probably too drunk to finish that tequila right now. so put that glass in the freezer. pass out on the couch.

in the morning, open up that freezer. the water from the ice cubes should now be a slushy forest of ice flakes in the middle of a sea of alcohol. yum! good morning, oblivion! say goodbye to the day!

chicken rollo tomasi

2005-05-23T19:51:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

Boca makes a line of meatless "chik'n" that's actually quite tasty. use whichever you like. i'm using the nuggets coz it's easiest, but you can use the patties if you've got 'em.

this is another no-brainer in the "pizza" line of recipes. basically, anything that would be good in a sandwich will probably be good in a pizza situation.

INGREDIENTS

basic pizza dough
corn meal
1 package BOCA meatless Chik'n nuggets
1 package shredded cheese
some tomato sauce
cherry tomatoes
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)

DIRECTIONS

bake those Boca nuggets first. set them aside.

adjust the oven to about 450 degrees F.

sprinkle cornmeal on big cutting board. grab about half the dough and roll it between your hands to form a thick rope. put it down in the cornmeal and start rolling it flat and wider. you want it wide enough so that you put a nugget in there and fold the sides of the dough up and over it.

sprinkle a base of cheese on the dough, down the center. start laying your nuggets down the center in a nice line, end to end.

i prefer to tear apart the cherry tomatoes so that you don't get a burst of hot juice in your mouth when you bite into them. lay the torn tomatoes over and about the line of nuggets.

sprinkle more cheese over all of that. drizzle some e.v.o.o. over that. spoon some tomato sauce over that. fold the side of the dough over everything so that you've got what looks like a long, fat rope of dough. drizzle some e.v.o.o. on the top and spread it around with your fingers.

cornmeal a big pan. carefully lay your long chik'n roll on top of the pan, such that it doesn't tear too much.

pop it into your hot oven for about 10 minutes.

let it cool and settle for a few minutes after you take it out. this is a little more important than it is for a regular pizza recipe, because it's got a filling.

cut it into pieces with a serrated knife (bread knives work well).

i really have a miserable life.

O.G. smoothie

2005-05-23T19:41:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

this one's quite good and quite easy. and you can feel GOOD about consuming it; which is more than you can say about most of the recipes you'll find here...

INGREDIENTS

frozen grapes surprise
orange juice
ice

DIRECTIONS

get out those frozen grapes. i don't care if they've been in that freezer for 6 months (like mine were). get them the fuck out.

chuck a good handful into a big glass. pour some orange juice on top. put some ice in there. (don't fill it up too much.)

now dump the entirety of that glass into a good blender, cover the top and start pulsing that shit. get it all nice and frothy.

mmm! taste good, don't it?

unholy meatloaf

2005-05-15T20:01:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

this is a bit of a combination between a meatloaf and a shepherd's pie. the measurements are not exact as i kind of improvised.

the package of potatoes au gratin i used had been sitting in the cupboard for approximately 20 years. it was still okay. it required milk and butter, but you'd have to follow your own package directions.

for a vegetarian version, there are a lot of vegetarian ground meats available; though if you're a vegetarian, you probably aren't a big fan of "meat loaf". (the man or the food item.)

this was a good solution for using up the potatoes au gratin and some old bread that i turned into breadcrumbs with the food processor.

i'm not a big meatloaf afficionado, but i'm pretty sure you can add all sorts of odd things into the mix. it's a classic "throw in all the leftovers" kind of dish. the use of breadcrumbs is a classic stretching mechanism.

INGREDIENTS

package of potatoes au gratin, cooked, leftover
about half a pound to a pound of ground meat (turkey/beef/whatever)
1 egg
2 cups bread crumbs
1/4 cup tomato sauce
2 tbls. hot sauce
1 tbl. salt
1 tbl. ground pepper
some ground sage
some ground rosemary
1 cup shredded parmesan (leave some for topping)
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)

DIRECTIONS

preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

simply dump everything (except the potatoes au gratin and the e.v.o.o.) into a big bowl and squish it all together with your (clean) hands.

grease a mold pan with e.v.o.o. spread meat mix into the pan. press it in nicely. cover with the leftover potatoes au gratin. sprinkle with any shredded parmesan you've got left.

pop into the oven for about 45 minutes.

you've just made yourself a fuckload of meatloaf, bub.

do you know the "muffin man"...?

2005-04-28T09:59:00.000-04:00

sweet corn shumai pizza

2005-04-17T11:58:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

ok, i know some of these are pretty strange, but i'm just using shit that's been in deep freeze for a while. i had this "sweet corn shumai" in the freezer for an ungodly length of time. looks like it was purchased in some japanese mart. pretty good on its own, but we're all about stretching things here...

the idea is that the sweet corn marries with the mozzarella to imply a kind of cornbread dish. i suppose a person could substitute some canned/creamed sweet corn, but i'd have to test that out to confirm its viability.

i know this one's genuinely strange; perhaps even stranger than the edamame pizza... but it's even easier to make and it's surprisingly good. the vinegar in the salsa gives it a nice tart flavor (of course, hopefully you're using a salsa you like). the taste of corn is light and not nearly as "weird" as you'd expect. it's a crispy, cheesy, corny, tex-mex-japanese wonderland! what the fuck are you waiting for?

INGREDIENTS

Basic Pizza Dough
corn meal
1 package sweet corn shumai (about 15 pieces)
1 package shredded mozzarella
salsa
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)

DIRECTIONS

preheat oven, 500 degrees F.

heat up the shumai according to the package. (i assume there aren't that many brands of frozen sweet corn shumai out there; mine was about 4 minutes in the microwave.) set aside to cool down.

start that dough. 2 halves. cornmeal on the cutting board. roll out the first half nice and thin to accomodate the pan you're using. the cornmeal gives it an extra crunch and connects it with the whole "cornbread" idea here.

when the shumai is room temperature, toss it into your food processor with the entire package of mozzarella. give it a few pulses till everything's incorporated. should end up with a clumpy mix. (if the shumai's too hot, it'll melt your cheese into goop before you can put it on the pizza...) remember, this here's about stretching ingredients so they feed more/longer.

lay rolled-out dough in cornmeal-sprinkled pan. pour a little e.v.o.o. atop the dough. sprinkle half the corn/mozzarella mix on the dough. (laying down the cheese first makes it stick to the pizza; you avoid the "sliding cheese" syndrome of a lot of other pizzas.) sprinkle salsa over that. a last drizzle of e.v.o.o. and pop it into the hot oven for about 10 minutes or till bubbly/brown.

remove. set to cool on a rack while you do the same thing to the other ball of dough.

cut into pieces. go buckwild. wrap up leftovers in foil and shove it RIGHT BACK INTO THE FUCKIN' FREEZER where that shumai started! stupid fucking shumai... i showed you who's boss... *sniffle*...

frozen grapes surprise

2005-04-12T17:23:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

another fun way to stretch a perishable food item.

INGREDIENTS

seedless grapes
a plastic container

DIRECTIONS

wash the grapes. pluck 'em off the stem and chuck them into the plastic container.

toss that container in the freezer.

in a few hours, check that freezer. surprise! you've got frozen grapes, asshole! now leave me alone...

ghetto fried rice

2005-04-12T16:27:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

ok, this is totally ghetto and i'm vaguely ashamed for posting it, but you do what you gotta do to stretch a can of soup into a few meals.

for soup, i use Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle, but i reckon you can use different brands. it's good with bigger chunks of chicken, though. and you can add all sorts of extras into the mix, depending on what you have at hand (ham, bacon, assorted veggies, m&m's, etc.). cooking the rice in the chicken soup gives it a nice dose of salt. i reckon you could substitute vegetable stock if that's the way you swing...

INGREDIENTS

1 can chicken noodle soup
1-2 cups rice
water
a good handful of frozen peas
a good handful of baby carrots
2 eggs (optional)
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)

DIRECTIONS

use 1-2 cups rice, depending on how much you wanna stretch this thing. rinse it a few times. strain the chicken soup into the rice (set aside the noodles/chicken chunks/carrot pieces). check the "water line" in the rice pot; you'll be a little short of the liquid you need to cook the rice. just fill it the rest of the way there with some water. i'm not a rice cooker expert, so i'm just going to assume you know how to make rice with your cooker.

chop up your baby carrots in a food processor. throw this and the frozen peas into the rice cooker. now set that shit to cook!

watch some tv and/or have a few more drinks while you wait for that to cook.

when it's ready, fluff up the rice/carrots/peas a bit, make sure it looks all right.

heat up a large pan. pour a dose of e.v.o.o. into the hot pan. if you're lucky enough to have eggs, crack them into the pan and scramble them up a bit. toss all the chicken soup bits onto the oil and shake it around with a spatula. chuck the contents of your rice pot onto there and start mixing, sucker. make sure everything's nicely incorporated. let it cook for a while so you get some crispy brown bits.

oh yeah, that's some ghetto fucking rice...

store some in tupperware, for another night. you can add other vegetables and leftover crap into the mix; it's fried fuckin rice, who's gonna know? do not let others know what's in there, or you will be ashamed.

i don't think i've ever actually consumed this sober.

edamame pizza

2005-04-12T13:27:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

the measurements here are rough. aside from the dough, these are essentially just toppings. leftover stuff sitting in the freezer/pantry.

the crackers are kind of a peasant-type trick for "stretching out" the cheese. it kind of creates a secondary thin crust. the pumpkin seeds add a little extra nuttiness.

you can use a range of shredded cheeses. they're pretty easy to find at a semi-decent grocery store. cheaper and easier to use than a regular hunk of cheese. for added ghetto-ness -- and because i hate going to the grocery store regularly -- i started buying a few packages of shredded cheese and just throwing them in the freezer. that's what you'd do with a frozen pizza...

for the chili sauce, i use this shit i pick up in chinatown, cheaply. you can find it elsewhere, for a buck or two more. or you could use some other hot sauce you like (if you wanna be a jerk about it). it's a decent replacement for a traditional tomato sauce, when you don't have it...

i know this sounds strange, but it was pretty good in a pinch...

INGREDIENTS

basic pizza dough
corn meal
1 cup frozen edamame (without shells)
1 cup frozen peas
10 whole-wheat crackers, crumbled
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds
extra virgin olive oil (e.v.o.o.)
chili sauce (substitute some tomato sauce, if you can't stand the heat)
some sea salt
1 package shredded cheese (something with mozzarella works nice)

DIRECTIONS

preheat the oven to 500 degrees F, or as high as it goes.

if the pumpkin seeds aren't toasted, toast them a bit in a dry pan over medium heat. just until they're a little brown. it releases oils or something, makes 'em tastier.

throw the toasted pumpkin seeds and the crumbled crackers into a food processor. cover it up and give it a few pulses till it's all crumbs. pour in roughly a tablespoon of e.v.o.o. give it a few more pulses. dump in your shredded cheese. pulse it till it's all incorporated. empty the crumbly mixture into a separate bowl.

you don't even have to bother washing out the food processor -- throw in the shelled edamamme and the peas. add a pinch or two of good sea salt. give it a few good pulses till it's all shredded together. set that aside.

now clear off your cutting board and sprinkle a liberal amount of some nice coarse corn meal on it. grab about half your dough and slap it onto the board. start working it into a disc. (or a rectangle; whatever shape your target pan is.) flip it over and work it with your fingers. sprinkle more cornmeal if it gets too sticky. start using a rolling pin to get that crust REALLY THIN.

sprinkle your target pan with more cornmeal. place your rolled-out dough on top. press it out a little more if you like. give the pan a little shake to make sure that this dough won't stick when you try to get it out later; the coarse cornmeal should keep it from sticking and should absorb some extra moisture so your crust will be nice and crisp.

now's the good part. drop a few tablespoons of the chili sauce on top of the dough. (to your liking.) pour a little e.v.o.o. on top of that and spread the whole thing around with your fingers. next, sprinkle half the cracker/cheese mixture evenly over the top. then sprinkle half the edamame/peas mixture over that. give a final dash of e.v.o.o. over everything and pop it in the hot oven.

ovens vary but give it about 10 minutes, or until the crust is light brown and everything's a bit bubbly.

repeat the process with the other half of the dough. let it all cool a bit. go nuts and/or freeze for another day. don't forget to turn off that oven... or blow out the pilot light if you just want to end it all...

Basic Pizza Dough

2005-04-12T11:30:00.000-04:00

DESCRIPTION

This is a basic dough recipe I use. It's pretty simple and fairly generic. As far as budget, the most expensive ingredient here is a decent olive oil. This is some cheap shit.

Again, it's dead simple to just throw these ingredients in a breadmaker to do all this work for you, but I've thrown together some manual instructions here.

INGREDIENTS

1 packet yeast
1 cup warm water
pinch of sugar

3 cups bread flour (or all-purpose)
a little olive oil
pinch of salt

DIRECTIONS

mix the yeast into the warm water; add a pinch of sugar. this feeds the yeast and helps it come alive. let it sit for a few minutes till it starts to form bubbles and rise up a little. this lets you know that it's working for you. sometimes i add a little of the flour to feed it some more.

next, in a big bowl, incorporate the yeast-water in with the flour. add a pinch of salt. (careful with the salt: the sugar feeds the yeast, but the salt murders it a little.) add a tablespoon of oil or butter if you like. (the fat gives the dough a slightly softer consistency when it's cooked.) mix till it forms a dough. get your hands in there. if it's too sticky, add a little more flour; too dry, add a little more water. you get the feel for it.

when it's nice and doughy, sprinkle some flour onto a sturdy work surface/cutting board and start kneading it. punch it down, fold it over, get out your aggressions. this kneading part is important for the dough to have a smooth, even consistency; otherwise, you end up with lumpy, clumpy bread. you'll get a feel for the dough when it's nice and smooth.

throw it back in a bowl. rub the top of the dough with some oil to prevent it from drying out as it rises. cover with a moist paper towel and let it rise somewhere dark and warm... let's say about half an hour.

now, the thing with this being a pizza dough is that it doesn't have to rise a hell of a lot, especially if we're making a thin-crust.

And so it is...
The shorter story...
No love, no glory...

Equipment

2005-04-11T11:09:00.000-04:00

a basic rundown of what i like to have around the house, to help make cooking easier. this is where it helps to have a bunch of old "wedding gifts" lying about collecting dust...

breadmaker
some people would call it sacrilege, but it's really quite useful. i rarely actually bake bread in mine; mostly, it's a dough-maker for me. and there are all sorts of things you can make with dough.

food processor
these are useful for all sorts of things; makes the chopping a lot faster. particularly useful for using up a bunch of old bits and pieces in the pantry.

rice cooker
makes rice. rice is cheap.

microwave/toaster oven
with a decent toaster oven, you could potentially do without an actual oven. and microwaves are good standby resources. but nothing really beats a decent stove.

general
not that i successfully practice this, but it's good to have a clear countertop space to prepare things. a good-sized cutting board. a sharp chef's knife. a decent refrigerator/freezer makes a world of difference, too.

An Introduction

2005-04-11T09:58:00.000-04:00

this here's a collection of recipes, inspired by my desire to empty my cupboard of random things that have been collecting dust or frost. many of the recipes will include ingredients that have just been sitting there for a long time; reminders of an old life.

a decent breadmaker can be a bachelor's best friend. it's the dead easiest way to make dough. dump the ingredients in and let it go. within 90 minutes, you can make enough pizza to feed you a week. or cater a dinner party to feed a bunch of people. flour + water + yeast = cheap. a pizza's like a sandwich; there's a lot you can throw on there. there'll probably be a few pizza recipes on here for that reason. i'll include directions for making the dough manually, but a breadmaker helps make it a no-brainer and frees up your time.

some of these things will be crap. cooking ain't a science. and a lot of these will be about making do what what i've got on hand. think of it as an open-ended cookbook from a poor bastard just trying to make it through another day.